Warning: Language, Bad Religion, Worse Manners.
Hey. Just a thought. You're an adult, but I've got a suggestion that you might want to consider.
Ideally, you should have something original, helpful, or illuminating to contribute to a conversation, online or off. But you're not always going to have something worthwhile to say. I don't. Not always. Not even usually.
Your second best option is to say something genuinely nice. “Isn't this pleasant company?” “I really like the food here.” “I'm glad we all got together today.” This doesn't get the work of conversation done directly, but it does grease the gears, and makes things more pleasant for everyone.
Failing this, you are left with limited options if you don't want to lower the quality or the bandwidth of the conversation. So, if you can't contribute something helpful, might I suggest something? Just a thought.
You might want to consider just shutting the fuck up. Closing your goddamn gobslotch. Abiding in respectful, and respectable silence. For the love of all that's good, just shut. the fuck. up.
Rather than making an ass of yourself by trotting out some idiotic cliché, repeating a joke everyone heard twenty years ago, making some stupid comment that you heard somewhere, sometime and have no verification for, repeating a lame, obvious, unoriginal platitude, or any of the other stratagems you learned to try to hide the fact that you're not all that goddamn bright, just shut the fuck up.
Here's a little secret – a gift from me to you that will solve a number of problems for you, and those around you. It's an undeniable, absolute fact that no honest person will contradict.
Most of us have no idea what we're doing. Most of our lives are spent in a quiet, desperate search to figure out what's going on, and where we fit in, if at all.
But there's this weird rule that we've mostly internalized that says that we're supposed to know. Nobody ever gave us a reliable, verifiable instruction book on how to adult properly, we mostly see people in public screwing it up in obvious and spectacular ways, and now, we're supposed to have it down pat. Not only are we supposed to know all about right and wrong, we're supposed to have opinions on almost everything.
Please, if you want to make your life, and the lives of those around you better, accept, internalize and do your best to normalize the idea that you needn't have an opinion on everything, no matter how urgently the hectoring causehead in front of you urges you to “take a stand!” It's not wishy-washy or weak to say, “I don't have an opinion on that,” but you may need to add, “...and I'm not looking for one,” if you don't want to attend a lecture. Admitting you lack either interest or information on a subject isn't a failing, it's simply honest. You can't know, or even care about everything.
I want you to think for a minute – I know it hurts for some folks, so take it slow – about how much work is involved in creating a credible, useful opinion. “What should we do about homelessness?” Once you've said.. “...well, building homes for people seems like it might be useful,” you're pretty much out of input unless you know a lot about the housing market, zoning laws, economics, psychology, sociology, politics, state and local regulations. But as sure as bullshit slides downhill, someone will say, “you can't give people something for nothing!”
Why not? We give people something for nothing all the time. What do you mean; that the people who were sleeping under bridges might not be grateful enough to you? That they haven't suffered enough for their sins to deserve a place to live?
But someone told this evil, chucklehead dingbat, at some point, for reasons of their own - and let's face it, those reasons were probably as self-serving and hypocritical as they could possibly be - that homeless people are scum, unworthy and undeserving of help. In fact, according to these ambulatory fatbergs, it's not possible to help homeless people effectively, because they'll trade their apartment for crack, or something.
Now, everyone in that conversation has heard “you can't give people something for nothing!” many, many times. Nobody thinks that phrase is your original contribution to the discourse. And every person who's ever given the subject ten minute's thought knows that “you can't give people something for nothing” is self-serving, greed goblin bullshit. So you, who uttered that phrase with your nose in the air, now look like something worse than an idiot. You look like a bigoted, greedy idiot with nothing to contribute.
You would have been so much better off if you'd have just shut the fuck up.
Likewise, the echohead who has nothing but religious platitudes, or newage (yes, I spelled it that way on purpose. Rhymes with “sewage”) happyspeak to contribute. There are few things crueler, stupider, or more obviously unhelpful than to assure someone that their agonizing problem is “part of God's plan,” or telling them you will “send them healing light.” Or worse still, giving them a brightsider dose of magickal thinking bullshit. “You can summon healing by thinking positive thoughts...”
Just shut up. For the sake of all that's kind, shut the fuck up.
I know you feel like you have to say something meaningful. But that's your need, not theirs that you're serving. You want to feel like you're doing something, something that costs you nothing, requires no sacrifice, and most importantly, stops the other person from talking about their problem. It's unpleasant to hear about other people's problems. Implying that faith, or happy thoughts will solve their problem puts the burden on the sufferer – pray harder. Be a “prayer warrior.” Work harder at thinking positive thoughts! Then, if they die screaming, or lose their home, or suffer some horrific loss, well, they should have wished harder.
There's a reason that we have stock phrases. Some of them are actually useful, being ceremonial and expected comfort. Saying “I'm sorry for your loss” is an expression of sympathy that requires nothing from someone who has lost a loved one. It doesn't solve their grief, but then, at the moment, nothing will, and you're not pretending it can.
On the other hand, saying “God took him home” is proselytizing bullshit. Saying “he's in a better place” makes me want to say, “Prove it. Prove he's in a better place, unless by that you mean that being in that coffin is a better place than standing here listening to you.”
But I don't say that. Why? Because I'm not an unfeeling jerk. Instead I...[fill in the blank answer. 5 points. Four words.]
If you can't say, “I'm sorry for your loss,” then just...you know it...shut the fuck up.
I realize that I just spent over a thousand words telling people that they should consider shutting up. Such are the sadly hilarious and absurd contradictions of being a philosopher in a world with no time or place for philosophy. I am a ridiculous person. Fine.
So I'll just...
A meme I live by.
https://herberts.org/miscdocs/stfu.jpg
Darn, I was hoping to learn how to "Appear Twice As Smart" but now know I need to just --------. :-)