From the nursery, to the schoolyard, to the highest positions of power, bullies do severe damage to individuals, to causes, and to institutions. Yet, they are exceedingly common. In fact, bullies generally do well in society, especially if they begin their bullying with the advantages of money and social standing.
Why is bullying so widely tolerated, even rewarded? And what is the constructive response to bullying, from both above and below the bully on the spectrum of social status and power?
What is a bully? A bully is someone who relies on intimidation to get their way. If the person in question consistently relies on fear, rather than persuasion or reason to get their way, that person is a bully, whether their particular technique involves violence, shouting, humiliation or silence.
We will be discussing different circumstances in which you might find yourself being bullied, but I'm going to begin with the most common circumstance adults face, being bullied in the workplace. But the principles of bullying, and what you can do about a bully, have commonalities that we'll discuss later in the essay.
I'm also not going to get deeply into the psychological details of what motivates, or how one becomes a bully. For one thing, this is an essay, not a tome. And probably most significantly, I don't care. Knowing the history and internal life of a bully is not, as we shall see, particularly helpful in dealing with a bully. The bully is, and the bully is harming people, including you. It really doesn't matter why. How to deal with that is the major topic of this essay.
The reason that bullying is so common is simple – it works. Even those who aren't intimidated by the bully's threats may well give them what they want to avoid having to deal with such an unpleasant person. A bully is often seen by those well above them in the hierarchy as someone who can “get things done.” Superficially, and temporarily, this may be true. Obtaining compliance through intimidation is easy. Obtaining someone's best efforts on your behalf can never be accomplished by fear.
A skilled bully will always remember the first rule of existing in an authoritarian hierarchy – kiss up and kick down. Thus, they generally do well in top-down, “the boss is always right” organizations.
In the long run, however, bullies ruin any team or organization they lead. Capable people, who are always in demand, and especially those who are self-motivated will simply leave the organization as soon as convenient, leaving only those who are fearful, intimidated, and not attractive to other organizations. As has been said, “good people don't quit organizations, they quit supervisors.” Those who do stay, for whatever reason, often consciously or subconsciously sabotage or slow their work, so far as they dare. Resentment grows, and not only at the bully, but at the organization itself.
In addition, fearful people don't do what's best for the organization or the team, they do what they think will keep the bully off their back. New ideas are seldom forthcoming from people who are desperate not to be the target of the bully's wrath. They don't report the truth, they report what they think the bully wants to hear.
Organizations often tolerate, or even reward bullying. Why? Because it silences dissent. Note that I didn't say it eliminates dissent – the opposite is true. Discontent grows under a bully. But complaints are seldom heard, since the consequence of complaining is more abuse. But that doesn't mean things are going well. It does mean that when they collapse to such a degree that the problems can no longer be ignored, those above will have no idea why, nor will they be able to improve the situation until they
remove the bully.
Most of us were educated in school, and unfortunately, at home, to believe that authority is justification in itself. “Because I'm the boss (or parent) and I say so!” That conditioning serves those to whom how hard they can press you for more production is the only thing they value about you. Many people stay in oppressive situations, and even support the bully because they think that's what “loyalty” and “respect” feels like.
But despite what bullying types will tell you, in fact, demand from you, respect is never a product of fear. It comes from admiration and a belief that the person you respect, in turn, respects you.
The functional difference is that respect is durable. Intimidation ceases to be effective when the intimidator loses the ability to inflict punishment.
This gives us the means to understand how to deal with a bully. If you are above the bully on the power/status chain, removing the bully is a matter of removing their power over their victims. Putting them in a non-supervisory position may work, but the most expedient and effective method is to simply remove the bully from the organization, usually by firing them.
While organizations may be hesitant to remove someone for behavioral reasons, in contrast with their enthusiastic willingness to fire loyal and productive employees to increase a stock price, or to gain “efficiency” by moving operations to slave labor countries, it is not for humanitarian reasons alone that a bully should be removed. Bullies hurt the organizations where they intimidate and demoralize those below them. They are, despite superficial appearances, inefficient. Replacing and retraining workers who leave the organization because of the bully results in onboarding costs, reduced effectiveness while the new hires get up to speed, and those demoralized employees who remain are likely to function at less than optimal levels.
The disgruntled may even...gasp...begin to think about organizing. Poor working conditions and arbitrary management decisions are often cited by workers who consider joining a union.
So, you know what a bully is, and what they do. You probably knew that when you started this essay, so if you feel I've wasted your time, I apologize. But I wanted to make certain that you knew precisely what I was talking about before I discuss what to do when you find yourself the target of a bully.
If you are below the bully on the power/status chain, you still have options. They all involve impairing the bully's ability to intimidate. You may consider the idea of slowing your work, even sabotaging your production in the hope that this will draw upper management's attention to the problem. This is seldom effective, since the organization would usually rather fire you than deal with the bully.
You will probably also consider reporting up the chain. In some organizations, this might be effective, but be aware that organizations usually find it easier to “solve” the complainer, rather than the problem. Remember that the organization's HR department isn't there to protect you, it is there to protect the organization.
So, what's left? Standing up to the bully is an option, but you would be wise to have an exit strategy already in place. There is also the risk of blacklisting, which still does happen. The bully does have allies in the hierarchy, or they wouldn't still be around. One of those allies may be the one your new, prospective employer calls to check your references. Yes, blacklisting is illegal, and slandering a former employee opens the organization to potential litigation, but they have a legal department. You don't.
I've stood up to many bullies in my time. When one particularly abusive boss began berating me in a staff meeting, I said, calmly, “You've no call to speak to me like that. Moderate your tone, and lay off the personal insults.” This was reported by the bully as a “physically threatening gesture,” and no one else in the meeting contradicted him, having been intimidated by him for years. I was fired without any opportunity to answer the false report. Fortunately, I already had my exit plan in place.
After the meeting was over, no less than three other employees said to me, in private, some variant of “It's about time someone stood up to him. Good job.” Not one of them stood up for me, either in the meeting, or after.
Your most practical option is probably getting your resume' together, and actively pursuing other employment. But remember, this is a common problem. Asking good questions in an interview that do not involve criticizing your former employer, such as, “who will I be reporting to?” and asking a few discreet questions of people already working there will help avoid an “out of the frying pan, into the fire” result.
I want to re-emphasize the fact that if it is within your power to simply leave the bully's sphere of influence, this is the most effective way of dealing with the problem. No job, no relationship, no circumstance is worth the abuse that a bully can inflict on your well-being.
It is possible that you don't have the option to leave. At least, not yet. For example, consider a student who must attend a certain school, and is being bullied by a teacher or a fellow student. Or someone who is being bullied by a parent or sibling. If you are being bullied by someone you live with, it may not be possible for you to leave at once. Some institutions can't be easily left, such as prison, or the military. In any event, you find yourself in a position where you are going to have to deal with the bully.
First, accept that you are very unlikely to be able to change the bully's behavior. If you are the bully's target, the bully has probably decided that you “deserve it,” and that their behavior is justified. Some bullies tell themselves, and, probably, their victims, that they're “toughening them up.” In any event, a bully does not see themselves as the villain. You “make them” do it.
You can't turn a bully into a decent person. Not if you're their target. That change must come, if it ever does, from within the bully. They already feel such contempt for you, that nothing you say or do will alter their opinion, nor what they feel you “deserve.” They don't see you as a fellow human being, you exist as an object to them, existing to fulfill their need to bully. Stop trying to change the bully. If you are the bully's target, you can't. And you'll only get hurt trying.
Second, internalize the fact that you're not the problem. Nobody deserves to be bullied, and the fact that you are being victimized by a bully says nothing negative about you. Bullies don't pick on the weak, necessarily, they pick on the vulnerable.
This is an important distinction. Just because someone is smaller, physically weaker, or below the bully on the power/status chain does not mean they will become one of the bully's targets. Bullies pick targets that they can get away with bullying – meaning those who are not socially connected, or those who have little access to power. Neither the richest kid in school, nor the most popular is usually a bully's target, since there would be consequences for offending them. The bully will select targets that are socially isolated. This is why the “new kid,” who is not yet socially integrated will often be targeted. New employees, who might lack a powerful mentor are often targets.
When the bully begins bullying a victim, they will often be degraded in the eyes of others, who witness the target being publicly humiliated. Onlookers will often avoid befriending the target, or speaking up for them, lest they become the target of the bully's wrath. Many people, seeing some humiliation being inflicted on the target sigh with relief. “Glad it's not me.” Over time, they will adopt the bully's view of the victim, since the target has been subject to a consistent humiliation campaign designed to isolate the victim still further. Even authority figures may come to see the target as a “problem,” and blame the victim for their situation.
The target may even internalize the bully's abuse, coming to believe that they deserved, or attracted the bully's aggression somehow. This internalization can lead to serious psychological or behavioral problems, even to suicide.
Once someone has become the target of a bully, it becomes increasingly difficult for that target to gather support, from peers or authorities, to gather the support necessary to make the bully fear significant retaliation or restraint.
So, here is a strategy for dealing with bullies:
1) Recognize bullying. Most of the bullying is done by a few, habitual bullies who find themselves in a position where they can harm people without fear of retaliation. If you see someone using intimidation as a default, and who focuses on particular, vulnerable people again and again, that's a bully.
2) If you are in a position to do so, remove the bully from your organization. At once. Without explanation or hesitation. Bullies don't just damage individuals, they damage organizations.
3) If you are the bully's peer, but not their victim, carefully build support among your colleagues for removing the bully. Keep track of incidents, document, document, document. When you have a solid case, present it to the authorities, and up the chain. Do not tell the bully you are preparing a case. The organization will tell them soon enough. See it through. If you go to kill the bully, kill the bully, lest ye suffer.
4) Recognize that you are in an organization that tolerates bullying. If they were concerned enough about their employees, or organized enough to deal with the bully, they would have. Unless you apply consistent pressure, they will do nothing. But remember, most organizations find it easier to deal with the complainer, rather than deal with the problem.
5) If you are below the bully on the power/status chain, and have become a target, the best option by far is to simply move out of reach. Change jobs, change departments, move to another town. Though this might be inconvenient, no amount of difficulty is worse than suffering constant humiliation, and probably damage to your career. Bullies love writing poisonous evaluations.
6) If, for whatever reason, you can't move on, document, report and stand your ground. Encourage others to do so, if they dare. The bully may decide that you're not worth the trouble. Or they may decide that destroying you is now a priority. Don't expect a lot from your organization, they don't care what happens to you as an individual, and will only act if things become so egregious that they might be exposed to litigation. And again, they may to remove the complainer, rather than the problem. This is why documenting and reporting in a professional, factual manner is so important. The presence of a thick HR file may give management pause, since that file will be discoverable in litigation. Keep a copy of all your reports off site, as well.
7) If you are backed into a corner, either physically or professionally, fight for all you're worth. You may well lose – bullies are generally well-practiced in violence and/or bureaucratic assassination, but if it has come to this, you've little to lose.
8) Bullies select targets that are isolated and vulnerable. Build your network. But don't expect too much of your “friends” if it comes to confrontation. The idea is to make the bully think that bothering you is likely to draw too much opposition to make it worthwhile.
9) Remember that the bully doesn't care how hard you work, or how good you are at your job. Working harder, being more productive will not convince them to leave you alone. They will gladly accept the credit for the improved performance, and will probably come to see you as a potential rival.
10) Above all, stay calm and factual. The bully wants to see you suffer, and wants to blame you for your suffering. If you remain calm and reasonable, the bully will grow increasingly frustrated. They may decide that you're not a good candidate for their victimization. Or they might decide to escalate. Keep as many of your interactions with the bully (which you should be avoiding when possible) as public as you can. But remember, they can get away with abusing you. In a hierarchical situation, you can't get away with retaliating in kind.
If the bully seeks to get you alone, prepare. I am not at all averse to secretly recording such an encounter. Many have been saved from further abuse by a simple voice recording. But make sure that what appears in that recording, if played in an HR hearing, or in court, records you being reasonable, polite and professional. And never, ever send an email to anyone that you don't want read out aloud in either of those venues.
If I made the situation seem grim, that's because it's a grim situation. While I've focused on bullying in the workplace, the dynamics are generally the same. Bullies exist in families, domestic partnerships, schools and anyplace where an authoritarian power dynamic exists. Recognizing that the fact that you are being bullied is not your fault will go some way to mitigating the damage. Remaining calm will help still more. Documenting the bully's abuse will assist you, even after you move out of the bully's range, which you should be preparing to do as soon as possible.
I wish you well, oh Nobly Born.
This is why you need a union.
It was really something, reading this and seeing how it applied to SO. MANY. INSTANCES I suffered for years as a civilian DoD employee. I can easily remember at least six supervisors who bullied me mercilessly during the last half of my 35-year employment. Four were active duty, two were civilians. In a few instances, I sought and got help through our union. What was truly striking was what you're so right about - that the organization couldn't care less about the horrific treatment of their employees and those "senior" officers and managers were allowed to continue their behavior. Funny thing... At least a few of the civilians were ultimately fired for other grievous actions. But they were never removed due to their outrageous behavior towards their "lessers." Thank you for writing this. Although it brought back years of ugly memories, it made me feel vindicated. And I am thankful I was finally able to retire, which was my only escape from the situations.