“If you could give one, and only one piece of advice to a young person that would help make their life happier, what would it be?”
At first, I thought this question was sort of dumb. There's very little that can be said without explanation and qualification that won't do more harm than good.
Everybody loves a simple rule, which has always puzzled me, since simple rules tend to let you down when the exception bites you at the worst possible time. This is why I generally don't try for statements that are self-evident without explanation. Instead, I try to create maxims that provoke further thought, and, hopefully, stimulate questions. Phrases like “Own your head” are obviously more an invitation to conversation than rules to live by.
Still, I wanted to give the reader who asked me the question at the top something that might be helpful. It may not make their life happier – prescriptive advice can seldom do that, but it might help them avoid quite a bit of misery. I was hoping to give them something that I wish I'd have had, back in the ancient day.
So here it is:
Avoid people who rejoice in the suffering of others.
That's it. Now, you'd think this would be self-evident – that nobody had to tell you that. But that's not the case. People tend to follow the most sadistic, unforgiving people all the time. You can't find a bully without an entourage. Why would that be?
Cruel people have a very common strategy for turning their meanness into a virtue. Their joy in seeing the suffering of others is clad in a phony righteousness that reflects a fool's glow on those who cling to them. They invariably justify their behavior by calling it Justice.
There never was a bully who didn't claim that they were merely the agent of some deserving cause. “They had it coming.” “They were asking for it.” “We have to protect the vulnerable.” “They were disrespecting us.” There's always a reason that appeals to some sort of retributive righteousness.
Good people are often found in proximity to such self-righteous folks because the good think they have something in common with the censorious – the desire to see Justice done. The difference is that good folk want to see Justice so that things will get better for everyone. The self-righteous want to see people that they consider blameworthy suffer, because they derive a deep satisfaction from that suffering. They want to see people “get what they deserve.”
But the cruel aren't concerned with positive Justice, and they can't conceal their joy in the suffering they inflict – their sense of power and significance in bringing pain to others. Why should they? After all, they're only doing “Justice.”
The person who makes the cutting comment, and then celebrates the hurt they cause will always claim a warrant for their behavior. “What's s/he mean, coming in here like that?” It's always the victim's fault.
Of course, there are people who step out in front of trouble. The criminal, the dishonest, the exploitative, all of them are due restraint or some form of comeuppance. There are times when consequence must follow action. But beware. It's one thing to do what's necessary. It's another to take pleasure in human suffering. Even that which we might think is deserved.
The problem with this appeal to Justice is that few things are harder to pin down than Justice. What does anybody really deserve, anyway? And who are you to be the agent of it?
Justice is difficult – avoiding the desire for advantage, or to satisfy prejudice, or to avoid gratifying sadism requires proceeding in slow, careful, deliberate, and well-considered steps.
You will hear people say, through clenched teeth, “I hope Justice comes swiftly to them.” Experience and the study of History have taught me, oh Nobly Born, that if you see something approaching swiftly, you can safely bet it isn’t Justice.
Justice requires a thorough understanding of motive. We do not want to punish the well intentioned, or reward the malefactor who just got lucky. Can you know the how, without knowing the why?
Justice requires empathy. How can we judge without understanding what the person understood to be true? Do most of the people who are crying out to punish seem empathetic to you? Do those who rejoice in seeing someone suffer who “deserves” it seem like they carefully considered the fears, hopes, and history of the person in question?
In short, if punishment is due, if it becomes necessity, who shall wield the rod? Should it be someone who obviously takes pleasure in doing so? And should such a person – one who derives satisfaction from the pain of others, be the one to decide whether such infliction is needed?
Those who enjoy suffering will always find a reason to punish. Fault finding is a constant obsession of those who enjoy seeing people suffer, because it sanctifies their sadism. It absolves them from compassion, or the need to act to alleviate suffering. If they “asked for it,” there is no obligation to feel anything but contempt for the sufferer, and no need to think about how to help them.
The fact that their claimed obsession with Justice, with people “getting what they deserve” is a thin disguise covering their taste for suffering is unmasked by the fact that they seem far more concerned with punishing people than with rewarding them. After all, isn't it just that people are rewarded for their virtues, as well as being punished for their vices? But to the contemptuous, criticism and derision are always at the ready while praise and affirmation are given seldom, if at all.
So, anyway, we've pointed out the problems with being such a person – someone who enjoys the suffering of others, and justifies their sadism by relentless fault finding. But the rule I'm proposing isn't “Don't be a self-righteous, sadistic jerk.” You probably don't need to be told that. The rule I'm proposing advises strict avoidance of such people. Why?
People are attracted to things that fulfill them. They will seek out, relentlessly, experiences and situations that agree with their internal sense of “how things ought to be.” People who believe that others should suffer for their satisfaction will find situations where people are behaving in a way that they find blameworthy. They are drawn toward suffering that they can enjoy, and justify. If you are involved with them, you will find yourself in such situations far too often. The constant game of “blame and shame” will wear you down, and color your perception of others.
If you avoid people who enjoy the suffering of others, and who excuse their behavior by claiming that the victim “had it coming,” you will avoid most of the self-righteous and all of the sadistic.
People who rejoice in the suffering of others seek out such suffering so they can enjoy it. They are gossips, tale-bearers, panic-mongers and sowers of discord. And if there is no suffering on offer for them, they will create it. If you are nearby, well, you're the handy victim.
So, if you need one rule that will improve your quality of life, that's it. Avoid people who enjoy watching others suffer. When you see someone gloating over another's pain, that's a person to walk a long path around, lest you get caught up in their miserable world view, and eventually, become the victim of their sadism and contempt.
Kit, again a very important read. Would you please share the link to your merchandise again, for those of us inept at such things...
This is a keeper Kit ,the manager (female)in our senior apartment building has some tendencies like you describe!