There are people who have a strange and, to me, incomprehensible ambition: they want to be vile. They want to be as abrasive, annoying, dishonest, and hurtful as possible. They seldom miss an opportunity to belittle people; to insult and bully.
And they want to be loved for it.
To the truly, incandescently irritating, their tendency to say whatever comes into their heads, regardless of and especially if it would hurt someone, is “honesty.” They don't precisely mean to say that what they are saying is true, in the strict sense, what they mean is that is what they truly feel. Their “truth.”
The hurtful thing they are saying is often untrue. It is almost always unfair. But it is their “truth,” that is to say, the first thing self-serving that pops into their unreflective heads.
Consider the example of the relative you haven't seen in years whose first words on seeing you are “Boy, you really porked up, didn't you?” In their mind, the problem isn't their inconsiderate, ill-mannered behavior, the problem is your sensitivity. You should appreciate their “honesty,” their attempt to “help.”
Of course, there is no intention on the despicable person's part to be “helpful.” They want to hurt people. “Honesty” isn't the point of such behavior, it's the shield they hide behind. It's an attempt to gain status at the insulted person's expense, while cheating the adult rules against insults and direct ridicule.
Fate save you if you have the misfortune to find yourself under the supervision, or authority of such a person. From you, they need fear no retaliation – you are bound, so they think, to bear their “honesty” and are expected to thank them for their “frankness.”
“Suck it up! Get over it! Don't be a snowflake!”
I'm sure you've heard it all. Never considered, though, is: by what right does someone continue to inflict things upon you that you have to suck up and get over?
The answer, often, is perceived hierarchy. As I've explained before, people with an authoritarian mindset see social and professional relationships as a chain of authority – those who perceive themselves as, or want to assert themselves as above someone else on the chain “kick down,” and don't expect to be retaliated against. It is their right and, their duty to “put others in their place,” to “kiss up and kick down.” Affirmation and reward flows only up the chain, abuse and subordination flows downward.
Duty, on the other hand, including the duty to avoid hurting others only flows upward. You have no duty to avoid hurting those below you on the chain, and those below the authority should be glad to stay in their place. Loyalty, likewise, only flows upward. The boss expects your obedience and deference, but will fire you if that's in the best interest of the company. The authoritarian parent defines any questioning of their directives, or even their assertions as “talking back.”
You don't like this? Climb the chain. Become a supervisor or an owner of capital. By any means necessary. Have kids of your own that you can “keep in their place.” Once you get there, no one below you will dare question your methods. But do remember to kiss upward constantly, lest those above you fear your ambition. Above all, you must remember to kick down constantly, to keep those below you in their place.
The social insult “truth-telling” gambit is the authoritarian mindset brought to the social realm. The authoritarian cannot see any relationship between people as anything other than a struggle for dominance. Insults are assertions of right. “I'll hurt and humiliate you in public, and you'll take it, because I have the “right” to do so. You should just “stay in your place.” You're too sensitive. Get over it.”
Recently, I've seen another tactic used by these guttersnipes: medicalization. A self-diagnosis of some syndrome or a trendy medical label is used as an excuse as to why someone is so “honest” as to lack all deportment or consideration for others. No, I don't think that your consultation with Doctor Google gives you a license to hurt people.
And here's a flash for you: I don't care what your excuse is for being a corrosive, intolerable boor. I don't care why you insult my friends and hurt others with a self-righteous smirk on your face, expecting to be congratulated for your “frankness” and “fearless” willingness to publicly insult people who are too polite to return in kind.
I've noticed that these self-diagnosed types never seem to display their quirky honesty around people who are willing to knock them widdershins for their impertinence, or to fire them from their jobs out of hand. They know better than to “kick up.” Apparently it's not such an uncontrollable impulse, or unshakable commitment to truth-telling as to actually risk immediate consequences.
There is a way to know the difference between someone who is struggling with truly neurological problems that interfere with their social adaptation, and someone who is just being a jerk and a bully and hiding behind a diagnosis. It isn't difficult. A person who is genuinely struggling will never, ever excuse their behavior as “honesty.” Like most people who aren't narcissists or psychopaths, they are remorseful when their behavior hurts someone. For such fellow pilgrims and colleagues our patience should be long indeed.
But chuckleheads and bullies should get none at all. Even if they claim to be “truth-tellers,” or that their unwillingness to consider and restrain their speech like an adult is some sort of extra-sensory superpower that gives them a license to say whatever comes into their narrow, inconsiderate heads.
If a group of people wishes to disincentivize this behavior, to communicate to a boor that their behavior is not acceptable, and won't be socially tolerated, try this: when someone insults another and tries to pass it off as a joke, or claim they were just being honest, everyone in the group should stop what they are doing, and stare directly at the offender. The target says nothing, staring directly and showing no sign of reaction, regardless of what the offender says or does. Count to fifty in your head while you do nothing but look, expressionlessly at the twerp. Then go back to whatever you were doing. Say nothing, explain nothing. Do not discuss it.
If someone can't restrain their behavior after a few doses of such a mild sanction, then enshrouding is called for. The boor is simply ignored. No one greets them, no one invites them, no one speaks to them. If they speak to someone, they are simply ignored.
Sooner or later, they may wonder why they are suddenly getting no affirmation or acknowledgment. Someone may explain to them that their hurtful behavior was, and is, not welcome in that group, regardless of their excuses or justifications. No one is willing to tolerate bullying or insult, regardless of the fact you think you have a “superpower” for “truth-telling.”
I have actually seen people repent after being on the receiving end of such sanctions. Great is the rejoicing of those who have seen an acquaintance redeemed, perhaps even to become a trusted friend. After all, it's hard to learn when to stop unless somebody says, “Stop.”
It is important to remember, in such cases a cardinal rule: An insult in public must be apologized for - genuinely apologized for, not excused or justified, in public.
But many such people will simply claim all the more fervently that they are being persecuted for truth and unvarnished honesty. “Some people can't handle my frankness!” Very well, Cassandra, if some people can't handle your honesty, find a circle that appreciates your anti-social behavior. But expect limited sympathy when you fall among chuckleheads and it's your turn in the honesty barrel.
Over the rail with such, they'll sail with us no more.
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I didn’t know you knew my ex-husband. 😁
Thank you for such a wonderful essay on this!